Before diffusing a temper tantrum, try preventing one by following these parenting practices:
EXPLAINING EXPECTATIONS before even entering a store, a restaurant, an amusement park, going to a friend’s house or before any particularly challenging task etc.
Make sure children are well rested and fed before venturing out to do errands
The most effective tools for diffusing a temper tantrum are EMPATHY, GUIDANCE AND DISTRACTION.
EMPATHY AND GUIDANCE:
Repeat back to the child what the child is expressing frustration or sadness about. Guide them to a strategy to solve the problem.
Example:
If child is screaming, “I want that candy!” Get down on their level and in a calm voice say, “You want that candy? That makes me sad when I can’t have the candy I want too.”
There is a reason I used the word “diffuse” a tantrum because this technique is truly like diffusing a bomb! I have used it on countless children that are having a full blown fit and when I repeat back to them what I hear them saying, they physically take a breath, pause and look at me and the level of the tantrum comes down a bit. Sometimes it takes a couple minutes of repeating the process but usually it is pretty instantaneous.
Dr. John Gottman teaches this technique in these steps:
Recognize these stressful moments as a teaching opportunity
Acknowledging the child’s emotion; sadness, anger etc.
Help child to name it
Allow child to experience their feelings
Comfort and stay with child until calmed
DO NOT DISMISS WHAT HAS MADE THEM FEEL THIS WAY EVEN THOUGH IT MAY BE VERY ILLOGICAL.
For example, do not say, “Stop acting like this, now you’re really not getting anything, STOP IT, I’m never bringing you to the store again, why do you do this?”
These kinds of reactions negatively affect the relationship and do not provide the nurturing a child needs when they lose control.
P.S. I fully recognize and understand that this all looks really good on paper but is extremely hard to do, especially in the moment when your stress level sky rockets because of the feelings that your child’s temper tantrum make you feel. Practice, practice, practice and be patient with yourself. Remember you are the parent and are using this as an opportunity to teach crucial life skills and build emotional intelligence. If you mess up and handle it poorly, apologize to your child and let them know that you are working to handle things better. Talk about the experience together.
DISTRACTION:
Distraction is another way to say an ATTENTIONAL DEPLOYMENT STRATEGY (redirecting focus), which is used to regulate negative emotions, altering the trajectory of the emotion by decreasing the emotional relevance. It is my favorite for toddlers. Usually works like magic!
Pick the child up and say, “Oh my gosh, did you hear that?” or “I think I just saw a bird. Can you see it?” or “Can you jump like a frog?” Make an interesting sound with your mouth or hands and ask them to try it.
Example:
Child does not want leave grandma’s house and is bawling on the floor. Say, “What kind of animal could we be to get to the car?” “We could swing like monkeys, hop like a bunny?” Whatever they choose, do it with them to the car.
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